Three Strengths

Today I watched 5 people cry. That beats my record, and probably most people's. For the last day of my practicum class, we had to go around and describe three strengths each person in the room possess. After the go-around, 4 eyes were dry: mine and Matt's. 2 robot jokes later and we still sat there. Like robots.

It's hard to pinpoint what makes people cry when they're happy. Being overcome with joy isn't an unnatural thing, that's not what I'm saying. Crying is a natural reaction when you're overcome with any emotion. What's interesting was the context of the situation. People were overcome with joy after hearing people list their strengths, and describe what they're good at. For 10 minutes, we were each forced to hear what people think we're good at. And that made people cry, overcome with joy.

Why is that? Were they unaware of the strengths described? Were the strengths something they were aware of, but hearing others say them was too overwhelming? Were they unaware of these strengths, and hearing them is overwhelming?

Maybe it's more complicated than that. Maybe hearing your own strengths reinforces a lot of things at once. It reinforces that we are succeeding, that those around us like us, and that we are capable of our dreams. Maybe we're hearing things that we are hesitant to think about, and hearing them from others puts them in fruition.

Maybe it's simpler than that. Maybe people just need to hear these things.

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"This is totally a script."

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No it's not.

Once Upon a Time...

ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, is a form of CBT, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. ACT focuses on the behaviors the client has that he or she wants to change. The therapist helps the client chase the behaviors back to what emotions and thoughts the clients have when they are doing these behaviors (the CBT part). The therapist then helps the clients sit with these emotions and thoughts that cause the negative behaviors. Rather than suppress or avoid them, the client re-experiences these feelings, and learns to separate them from the behavior. Eventually, the client is able to experience these emotions and feelings without turning to their previous behaviors. The client thanks consciousness for giving them this emotion, and moves on from them.

It was only a matter of time before I was going to be hit with a script requirement that will stump me. I've been getting off easy lately: the privilege to be evaluated for the genres I do best. But I'm finally forced to write a genre I have no experience with.

GENRE: Fairy Tale
LOCATION: An Orphanage
OBJECT: Aluminum Foil

The aluminum foil is the obvious red herring. Every challenge has one. They set you up with an obvious premise and environment with two of the limits, then throw in a wrench with the third. The competition gives you a world to tell a story in, but forces you to incorporate something into your story that shouldn't be there: the wrench in the machine. It's not about moving around the wrench, building around it. Finding a way to tell a story in the environment, and throwing in the red herring at the last second. In my experience, it's about incorporating the wrench into the story. Use the wrench to tell a better story. Like ACT does with emotions, thank the judges for the wrench. Show to them you wanted the wrench in your story.

But holy shit can it be hard to do that.

Fairy tales are such a narrow genre. Formulaic to one system. An inherently good main character falls into an adventure against an inherently bad villian. The hero beats the villian, and ends up better than where the main character was. roll credits.

So should I shy from that formula? How many of the other writers are? Is it worth the risk? Does the formula stunt your creativity, and you just want to tell the best story? Or are you doing it because you aren't creative enough to tell a story in the formula?

But I love the challenge.

wearing his counseling hat. Someone tell him to take it off when he's indoors.

I spend a lot of time at Signs of Life. The coffee is cheap and the wifi is free. At this point, the baristas likely confuse me for that statue in the corner that sometimes gets up to pee.

...I guess if you say so...

My biggest beef with Signs of Life is that it's a Christian bookstore. I used to go to java break, but they started charging for their wifi. So I'm silently protesting them by not going. Starbucks has wifi that consistently craps out, plus my sister-in-law informs me that Starbucks is a corrupt business run by werewolves (or something). So I'm stuck with Signs of Life every day (except Sunday, where Signs of Life locks it's door to remind us why buying their coffee gets you into heaven). I'm hoping that my extended time here will eventually turn the whole place into a secular, heathen-filled mosh pit of gays, scientists, and harry potter fans.

...I'll have to pack my things and go...

So I sit at one of the smaller tables, with headphones jammed in my ear to tell people I'm interesting enough to be busy, but boring enough to be alone. My fingers tap on the dusty keyboard of my bulky Acer laptop. My power cord weaves through the other furniture, looking for the closest wall socket. My mug of coffee I ordered hours ago has a little bit of coffee left, but it's cold and stale at this point, forming a brown ring in the inside of the mug.

...Hit the road, Jack...

So conversations about Christianity are a little more common at Signs of Life than most coffee shops. When involving more than two people, they become loud enough that I can creep in an ear. I don't want them to know how weird I'm being by listening in, so I keep my headphones in my ears, but the music off. After doing this more times than I'd like to admit, I've found a common occurrence: groupthink.

...And don't you come back no more no more no more no more...

For those that skipped the lecture in  Psychology 101 on Social Psychology, groupthink is a phenomenon that occurs in groups of people. In a group setting, people desire group harmony and conformity, and will adept these desires into their conversations, topics, tasks, etc. We become hyper-aware of what we are saying and listening to, and apply the appropriate filter to our mouth. This eventually leads to irrational conclusions, slower completion of tasks than individuals, and suppressed creativity. Groups of people, when assigned the exact same task as individuals, complete at a slower rate, and can even miss necessary details.

...Hit the road, Jack....

I hear groupthink a lot in these conversations. They're easy to pick up on. The silence.

...And don't you come back no more no more no more no more...

Day

Today I somehow managed to walk the line between connectivity and obscurity. It can be hard, but it's a balancing act. Balancing the amount of time you stay in your own head, and the amount of time you leave it. It's easy to stick to one or the other. We get comfortable on one side, and just eventually label ourselves by it, introvert and extrovert.

People walk the line all the time. Your processes shift. Home alone doing the dishes. Out with friends drinking beer. The trouble arises when you find yourself choosing one side when you're environment asks for another. Sitting with your friends at a bar, quietly picking at the paper label on your beer. Wishing you could go home and turn on the TV. Those are the moments we hate having.

Scripts are going well. Scenes come and go as usual, but the permanence of them becomes stronger. They're sticking more to the fabric of reality that they are conceived from. Rather than crying babies demanding attention, the scenes behave more as ghosts of the situation that could have been.

Scripts suffer when you're comfortable. You have nothing to talk about. You have nothing to say.

-Ryan

Subtleties

"Stories thrive on specifics. The human imagination craves color, detail, and the illusion of reality. Even though a comedy could take place in any decade, the specifics and experiences change depending on the decade selected. It's important that stories take place in a specific time, place, and world."

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Matt Kowalski: Listen, do you want to go back, or do you want to stay here?
[there's a pause as they look at each other]
Matt Kowalski: I get it, it's nice up here.
[he starts turning off the lights]
Matt Kowalski: You can just shut down all the systems, turn out all the lights and just close your eyes and tune out everybody. There's nobody up here that can hurt you. It's safe. Then what's the point of going on? What's the point of living?
[there's a pause as Ryan takes in what he's saying]
Matt Kowalski: Your kid died. Doesn't get any rougher than that. But still, it's a matter of what you do now. If you decide to go, then you gotta just get on with it. Sit back, enjoy the ride. You gotta plant both your feet on the ground and start livin' life.
[Ryan closes her eyes and shakes her head]
Ryan Stone: How did you get here?
Matt Kowalski: I'm telling you, it's a hell of a story. Hey, Ryan?
Ryan Stone: What?
Matt Kowalski: It's time to go home.

-Gravity

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Writing, like therapy, is about the specifics. The subtleties that go unnoticed at a glace. The dots that make the picture. They need to hold meaning. So we find them. Learn about them. Choose to keep them or forget them. In order for a story to be meaningful to someone, they have to relate to the small things. They have to reminisce about the small parts. That's the only way we can appreciate the whole.

Post

I need to get a Royals shirt.

Today I'm working on a script at Signs of Life. Today seemed to be dated night. In front of me is a blind date, set up by a girl in a dress. Her friend in a dress met her other friend, in a sweater. The weather is too warm to require a sweater, so I assume he thinks he looks good in it.

Soon after, 2 women and 2 men walked in, and it was pretty clear they are on a double date. They went upstairs to pretend that mediocre paintings are enjoyable, then came back downstairs to order coffee. I saw them come downstairs, and realized I'm sitting in the only table that has 4 chairs. It wasn't on purpose. In all honestly, I picked it because it's in the middle of the room, and I'm able to raise both my elbows comfortably. This has become the only way I can somehow manage my sweating, and prevent my clothes from being ruined.

But I accidentally did them a favor. My backpack and I took the only table that could fit all four of them, so I forced them to sit at two different tables, splitting the couples. Now, they're having 1 on 1 conversations with the person they were hoping to have 1 on 1 conversations with. Both couples are smiling, laughing, and flirting in a way they couldn't do as a group. You're welcome, group date.

Lately scripts have been difficult to start and easy to finish. The hardest part of telling a story is knowing that you're telling it well.

I probably don't need a Royals shirt.

-Ryan

Review of Gone Girl

Last night I saw Gone Girl, and it was awesome. David Fincher is so good at setting a film's tone and applying it to the story.The movie had an empty, dark feel to it. The empty feel of the environment,
I really appreciate when a film's trailer only tells a part of the story, and this is definitely the case with Gone Girl. The story expanded on so much more than I expected. The trailer told us that a husband's wife is missing, and that the husband is suspected of killing her. I was happy to see that this was only about 40% of the story, and that the film left out a lot in the advertisements.

The next paragraph will have spoilers. If you plan on seeing the movie. Skip to the next paragraph.

If you're reading this, then that means you've probably seen the movie. The movie didn't include David Fincher's first death scene, but it's definitely not his forte. However, Neil Patrick Harris' death was my favorite part of the movie. It comes out of nowhere, and is both exactly what you'd expect from the murderer, but not something you wanted to happen. You feel for the character's death in such an interesting way. I also loved how Nick was consistently called a sociopath by the media, and his wife a warm, passionate, loving wife. We learn later that this is completely backwards. I think this showed us how the media only tells the story it wants to tell, rather than the truthful one. The media attacked Nick as a hateful, sociopath. They even convince the public that Nick and his twin sister are dabbling with incest. Even when Nick confronted the media with this, thew blew it off as Nick's problem.

Before seeing the movie, I was nervous to see Tyler Perry's name in the cast. Not that he's a bad actor, but I was worried that he would ruin the tone that was set. But he did an impressive job. He was able to play the comic relief subtle enough so that it kept to the movie's environment. Not to mention doing so as a character important to the plot.

You could kind of tell Ben Affleck was preparing for the role of Batman while shooting Gone Girl. They did a decent job hiding it, but there were times you couldn't help but notice how in shape he was for the role. Before seeing the moving, the one thing I kept hearing about the movie was the ending. People seemed pretty upset about how it ends, and I can see why. The movie's ending isn't abrupt or poorly made. It's not poorly written, and still fits the movie. It's just unsatisfying. The movie leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth, and wishing something happened.

12 Years a Slave had an ending that was similar. Steve McQueen ends his film with the idea that slavery is something America will always have to remember, no matter where the country is. Slaves never received full redemption, and neither will African Americans. The film ends in an unsatisfactory fashion because slavery in America did.

But the difference between the endings of Gone Girl and 12 Years A Slave is whom that ends up dissatisfied. 12 Years a Slave left the audience unsatisfied with the main character, but pleased with how the movie itself ended. Gone Girl left the audience unsatisfied with the main character, and displeased with how the movie itself ended.

But see the movie. It's well worth your money. And bring some candy. I was reminded before he movie how expensive concession stand food is.

-Ryan

Scripts

I'm sitting in front of my laptop at Signs of Life. There is a wedding happening right now upstairs. About 20 seconds ago, the bride walked past me. Her dress was being held by two, very stressed out bridesmaids. She looked a lot like Jessica Daily, minus the disapproving look on her face.

I am genuinely excited to see my script become a film. I know it'll reek of amateur, since it's being made in India. and by amateurs. But I can't seem to see it as a small win. It's a big win to me.

Last week was the first time I was unable to write a script for a competition. I don't know if the parameters were especially hard, or I just had too much going on. I just couldn't think of a story. For a year and a half I've been able to balance school with writing. I'm hoping this isn't a sign, and I know it's not. I was busy last weekend.  That hard part isn't isn't sitting down and write. It's not even hard to write something hard. The hard part is to look at your scripts afterwards and see a career. 

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"Emotions create emotions."

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For a month and a half I've been an intern at a correctional drug rehab facility. Last week, my practicum site had a "family unity". All 40 prisoners at my drug rehab sit in a room, leered by me and the rest of the counselors. We settle arguments, finalize treatment schedules, and talk about recent problems. Around the middle of the meeting, the head counselor explained to the clients how arguments lead to fights. He said, "emotions create emotions."

He was explaining that when you express your own anger, you create theirs.

But I like what he said. Emotions create emotions.

This is especially true in script writing. Good stories come from emotion. Your readers wont feel anything if you don't. You have to find somewhere you don't want to be, and write about it. Scripts feel through the paper. When you're reading a good script, you aren't reading words. You're reading what the writer is feeling You're feeling what the writer is feeling.

I'm a terrible writer. I always have been. Any words you learn after middle school, I guarantee I can't use in a sentence. 

But I understand emotion. And I know when people feel it. I'm aware of it, and I can generate it. I can't write words, but I can write a story. And that's what a script is. Scripts don't need big words or eloquent phrases. It needs a time, a place, and a story to tell. And I can tell those things.

It's an interesting idea; our emotions being products of other emotions. 

Control

I'm sitting in front of my laptop at Signs of Life. There is a 20 something year old woman playing Fur Elise on the piano, with her eyes closed. She doesn't need to open her eyes. She knows what's going on around her.

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"I had a dream I ran Atlanta"

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I'm constantly reminded how little I open up with my cohort. A field like counseling psychology begs you to prostitute your emotions to the world. We're convinced that emotions can only be controlled when you've proven to those around you that yours are in perfect control. We gotta spray our eyes with mace before wearing it on our belt.

Just because I'm not dirty, doesn't mean I didn't dig a hole.

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"Aren't you cold?!"

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I think it's entirely possible for someone to avoid saying something without a deep, personal excuse worth exploring. Some things are complicated. Some things have no positive benefit.

I'm tired of being sweaty. Everywhere I go. I'm constantly thinking about it. I'm constantly worried about how it looks. I'm constantly scared to wear anything with sleeves. It's a reminder of how different I am from everyone else. I hate not having control.

Get Rich Quick Scheme

It's exponentially harder to write in this blog the more I think about who reads it. I feel like people are watching over my shoulder now, and I need to censor myself.  I don't know why but I feel more comfortable on stage when the mic is off. 

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"What do women want?"

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I want to get rich, and I have a plan. I think people will listen to anything you have to say, as long as they want to hear it. People don't listen to things they don't want to hear. I need to find something that everyone wants to hear.  I want to tell the world something. I want to say something everyone wants to hear, but never realized they did. I want to tell a story. The best story in the world. 

Screenplay writing is about finding the constants in people's lives, and exploring them. It's about finding what everyone struggles with. What causes people pain? What makes people laugh? What makes people think about their memories? What makes people remember what they're trying to forget? 

I want to know.

-Ryan

Writing

Of all the coffee shops on Mass St, Starbucks is by far the most air-conditioned. Lately it's the only place I can go outside of my own apartment and not sweat. I'm near the point where I need to either accept that I'm sweaty, or seclude to the idea that nothing ever changes. The point of the nuke was to fix me.

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"Any special powers?"

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There's a lot to think about when you're alive. A lot goes on around you, and you miss most of it.

Sometimes I wish I would wake up one day and I was the only person alive in the world. I'm not sure how I would reach initially, but I know I would be happy. I could do anything I want.

When I was a kid, I would fantasize about the ability to freeze time. Stopping time and experiencing myself free from the world. I would imagine freezing time and walking into an ice cream shop, making myself a sundae, then walking out. Walk into a department store, steal that jacket I always wanted, and walk out.

I think I've always wanted to leave society. Making my own rules, doing everything I can think of. Smashing glass.

Sweating.

I've always wanted a super power.

-Ryan

Friend

I think part of life is faking emotions. We learn to expect what people want from us. We begin to understand how we should act in certain situations. We want to have the right reaction when we need it. We find comfort in finding the right reaction, and express it. But our emotions aren't always behind that reaction. Sometimes we express an emotion because it's right for the situation. We instinctively want to express what those around you want from you. A friend of yours is crying, so you put on a sad face. Your friends are all dancing so you have to start moving.

It can be hard to fake it, especially if you don't want to. And when you don't, you suffer for it. So you have to pretend.

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"I'm sorry to hear that."

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It's genuine to be there for someone. But it's always going to be uncomfortable. You just have to care.

-Ryan

Construction

Lately I've realized that I need to do some construction. I've had an opportunity to make my home better, and it's something I've needed for a long time. I don't really have the time, but I think it's something I can do. To get things started, I need to first get rid of a wall.

But I don't really know how you get rid of a wall. I've never had to try before. I guess I could try and tear it down, but I'm worried that's going to leave a lot of pieces on the floor. I'm trying to avoid a mess. Maybe I need to figure out what's keeping the wall there in the first place.

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"He'll always be a boy. He's a man that never grew up."

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I'm excited for next week. The break has been relaxing, but I'm ready to pick up where I left off. I'm excited to see where the year takes me, and I'm thankful for where I'm at. I'm incredibly lucky.

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"We're a million miles away."

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Lately I've thought about the movie Her. I think the movie was really good at keeping a relationship seem so unrealistic and realistic at the same time. The relationship between Theodore and Samantha seems so real, but keeps the audience remembering that Samantha doesn't exist. The movie is so relate-able for anyone that finds relationships difficult. It reminds us how hard it is to trust somebody. I need to watch it again.

Religion

For this post, I want to talk about a movie.

God's Not Dead is a Christian drama that was released in March 2014. For those that aren't up to date in Christian movie productions (so... everyone), this movie is about a Christian college student that enrolls in a philosophy class, and is forced to argue his Christian faith with his professor, an atheist.

For the sake of this post, I watched the movie. 

After enrolling in an introduction to philosophy class, Josh Wheaton is warned that his teacher, Professor Radisson, might not agree with Josh' religious beliefs.

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"Freshman Registration Advisor: [On Philosophy class] Think Roman Colosseum, lions, cheering for your death... Last drop date is the 22nd; you might want to keep that in mind."

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So Josh goes to class, and Radisson immediately asks the class to write down on a piece of paper, "God is Dead". After writing this, and signing the paper, the class is allowed to skip the religious portion of the class. Everyone except Josh writes it down, which gets Radisson's attention. So naturally, like any college professor would do, Radisson ridicules Josh, and forces Josh to argue with him about the existence of God. Josh gets three opportunities to argue (because 2 have to lead up to the one finale) with Radisson, and the class decides the winner.

I'll jump through the rest (because it's pretty slow). Josh and Radisson go back in forth in the first 2 debates, and we learn that Radisson's mother died when he was a child (and a Christian), and he has renounced Christianity because of the loss of his mother. He's also a dick to his girlfriend, a Christian.

So the third and final debate is here, and Josh hits a nerve when he asks a philosophical question that only a philosophy teacher could be struck by. Something that was so deep, with so many layers, that Radisson floated into space.

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"How can you hate someone who doesn't exist?"

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So now, Radisson is pissed at Josh, yelling at him (you know, like when your college professor forced that one student to argue with you, ignoring everything on the syllabus, and started yelling). The other students of the class side with Josh, and begin to tell Radisson that they believe in God now. Radisson has a fit and storms out of the class. Josh wins the debate!

Oh and Josh has a girlfriend that dumped him because these debates were.... academically dangerous? What?

Oh, and way to have all the female characters either cry, or become emotionally unstable. Really making some progressives move there.

So Josh celebrates by going to a Christian band concert, Newsboys. Meanwhile Radisson learns the errors of his way, and accepts his mother's death. He finds Josh to go apologize, and gets hit by a car (lol dat writing) while on his way to the Newsboys concert (they really jam that band's name into you) While on his deathbed, he accepts Christianity into his life. and dies.

Then that guy from Duck Dynasty comes out of no where, and talks about how he didn't do anything wrong on A&E. After that, as the Duck Dynasty guy walks off set counting the money he just got, the Christian band (NEWSBOYS, REMEMBER?!) dedicates a song to Josh (why not Radisson? Didn't he just die?) and the movie ends.

Oh and Dean Cain is in the film (yeah). And he's an atheist business man with slicked back hair. And in the end he reveals that he's being controlled by the devil.

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".......... is that Dean Cain?"

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Hey maybe Dean Cain was a good pick for the role after all. But after it's revealed that he's possessed he should have looked into the camera and said, "Believe it." like in Ripley's Believe it or Not.

This movie was produced by Pure Flix, a Christian production studio. They've previously made movies like Superuser Countdown and Christmas with a Capital C, but God's Not Dead is their biggest landing film, raking in nearly 8 million.

So the movie was bashed by critics: 17% on Rotten Tomatoes, 4.9/10 IMDB. Feel free to Google the movie to read them.

More importantly, this movie is an insult to a lot of people. It's an insult to Christians, an insult to the art of cinema, and  it's a borderline harassment to atheists.

Insult to Christians:

The production company was aware of the target audience this movie was going to hit, and made sure that they would be satisfied. They didn't do this by making a compelling story or script, but instead just paid to have a Christian band and that Duck Dynasty guy in the movie. These cameos have ZERO influence in the story, and are just tacked on just to put meat in the seats. This lazy form of advertisement is insulting to the Christian audience, implying that you don't want to watch a compelling story, but just want to hear their own opinions retold by a celebrity and a band. 

The Duck Dynasty guy is the worst. The movie is marketing off of a scandal just to make the movie seem more Christian. The Duck Dynasty guy (I refuse to look his name up) wasn't in trouble for being Christian, he was in trouble for bashing homosexuals. 

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"Remember how Christian this guy was? Look at that beard. Remember when A&E totally almost fired this guy? Look! He's in the movie! Wow! Tell your friends!"

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Don't allow a production company to treat the audience this way. Demand a movie to do more than assume you want your opinions shouted at you. Or at least spend the time to artistically incorporate their ideas into the film, rather than toss them at you as a cold side dish.

Insult to the Art of Cinema:

Okay, maybe I'm just being dramatic on this one. But this movie is terrible.

To the movie's credit, the directing and editing seemed okay. Each shot seemed well placed, and no out of place edits.

But the writing sounded like it was written by a Freshman in high school that just visited r/atheism. Every argument the atheist used against God was one obviously held by a Christian. Each atheist argument was set-up to be easily argued. The writing didn't even attempt to hear an atheist's point of view. Instead, they use the atheist points to just make the Christian points sound more profound.

Borderline Harassment to Atheists:

Do I really need to explain this? The two atheists in the film are 1. an angry, yelling professor, and 2. Dean Cain possessed by the Devil. 

The professor is atheist. But he's only atheist because he's angry at God for the loss of his mother. This idea that atheists are angry are a commonly held notion by Christians. More importantly, it implies that people are only atheist BECAUSE of this hate. Atheism is not based on hate.

Oh and way to have the other atheist in the film be controlled by the devil. Really settled that plot there.

Even worse, the professor accepts Christianity before he dies, implying that he was "saved" at the end of the film. The movie belittles the professor and his ideas, and compares the ideals of atheism into a 40-year-old child's tantrum.

I know that a lot of people might think I'm being silly. Terrible movies are made all the time. Maybe I need to just chuckle at the silliness and move on.

But, I want people to understand that children and teenagers are seeing this movie, whom don't entirely understand atheism. And this movie has some horrible, horrible themes.

1. Atheists are angry at the world, have lost something, or need to be saved.

2. Atheists can be possessed by the Devil.

3. If someone questions your faith in God, assume they are attacking you as a person.

4. Atheists are able and willing to attack your beliefs if you give them the chance.

5. Christians and Atheists are in an eternal struggle.

All of these themes are morally wrong. They put atheists in a negative context. Atheists are the most hated group in America, and all this film does is ask Christians to assume the worst when around them.

Atheists don't hate Christians, and they are certainly not at ends with them. Be open to the ideas of an atheist, and listen to them. Most importantly, understand that your beliefs will be questioned. Everyone's beliefs are. Don't just clap your hands on your ears and make noises with your mouth. Listen. 

Lets look at the flip side. What if a movie was made where an atheist college student attends a philosophy class. The professor asks the class to write "God's Not Dead" on a piece of paper, and the atheist college student refuses. The Christian teacher belittles the student, and forces him to make an impossible argument that God doesn't exist. We then learn that the professor is only Christian because he lost his mother as a child, and clutches to his Christianity because of this. On the 3rd debate, the atheist student asks why the Christian professor hates atheists so much, and the professor storms out of the room after the class agrees that there is no God. The atheist student celebrates by going to an atheist concert (I dunno... Portugal the Man?). The Christian professor accepts that he's only Christian because he's mad at God for the loss of his mom, and goes to the concert to apologize to the atheist student. He's hit by a car, and on his deathbed accepts atheism, and denounces Christianity. Then, some celebrity atheist reminds us that Christianity is stupid, and the movie ends.

Right? Pretty terrible.

Airplane

Last week I blew myself up.

It didn't hurt or anything, but I was sent to my room for three days as punishment.

I probably deserved it. The whole thing was pretty silly. But I needed to do it.

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"Did it hurt?"

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Nothing has really changed. The doctor said it'll take around 6 weeks for me to feel the changes. Til then, I'll just be doing the same thing.
I haven't figured out how I will react to these changes. More importantly, I haven't figured out how I will react to others reacting to my changes. I know that blowing myself up has permanently changed a part of me, but I want to know if it's change for the better.

A loss of control is scary. It's scary to think that you wont have control over something will change you. It's hard to accept that something happened, or will happen, and you have no say in the outcome. It's not that we crave control. It's that we don't trust cruise control. We need to know that we're in control of who we are, where we're going.

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"Whatever you're doing is okay. You are okay."

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Coffee shops are the only place I can write. Even though I've lived alone for more than two years, I only feel alone when I'm in a coffee shop. I'm around groups of friends, couples, dates, study groups. I can only be alone when I'm around others that aren't. I feel like I'm always around people when I'm home.
I can't write when I'm not alone. I get distracted. People can be distracting. They're sobering.

I had dinner with friends last night at this Mexican restaurant. We sat outside. I remember an airplane flew over us. A friend from Austria was visiting. I sat in my chair, with an empty margarita cup precipitating onto the concrete ground through the table's grate-y surface. I was looking at the puddle of water and feeling alone.

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"How long are you visiting?"

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story about a time traveler.

When I was a kid, I was in an after-school math program that was located in this church. I arrived there after school at around 3:30, and was picked up by my mother at around 5. If I finished before 5, I would sit on this bench outside the church, and wait for my mom's white car to pull into the church's driveway. I remember I would always keep my backpack at my feet, so that people wouldn't steal it.

One time in particular, a man approached me. He was homeless, in every sense of the annotation. 

He told me he was a time traveler. He sat next to me and told me about his recent adventures through time. My stranger danger alert probably should have urged me to leave the bench and find an adult, but I stayed and indulged him. He continued his story, and told me about how bleak the future is. He also told me that the past was pretty bleak. Really, everything was bleak.

Despite not being a time traveler, the homeless man seemed pretty convinced that he was a time traveler. It's possible that he craved attention, and desperately lied to a kid to fulfill that urge. It's possible that he has mental health issues. It's also possible that he's a time traveler.

Either way, I'm able to tell people that I met a time traveler

Despite probably not meeting a time traveler, I seemed pretty convinced that he was a time traveler. It's possible that I crave attention, and desperately tell this story to fulfill that urge. It's possible that I have mental health issues. It's possible that I want to believe that he's a time traveler.

Maybe that's how it works. People want attention so they tell false stories to other people. Those people also want attention, so they tell other people about the time a person told them that false story. Then this just continues.

I think that if no one in the world wanted attention, the world would be a lot quieter.

talking his language.

I woke up this morning and the world was filled with insects. I realized I was alone when I stepped outside. Everyone else was a bug. Scurrying with purpose.

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"Do you think you could date a smoker?"

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I'm not sure if I could date a smoker. It's hard to get close with someone knowing that there will always be a certain level of distance between the both of you. You know there is at least one thing that makes you different from them. Something that you believe to be true is thought false by them. Inevitably that might cause tension. It's a ticking time bomb. And you know that neither of you are willing to accept the other side. You live on two different islands.

I think emotions are hard to understand. We cling to them when clearing the fog, or reject them when we're afraid. I don't think therapists are meant to be emotional prostitutes. I don't think it's the therapist's job to go on an emotional journey with their client. The therapist doesn't have to feel what the client is feeling.

Right now I'm living my life somewhere between secluded and displayed.

165 days. A lot has changed.

I'm either going to be the worst therapist in the world, or a mediocre one.

Not that this is a problem for most girls, but the best way to guarantee that I wont talk to you is by wearing a Sheldon Cooper shirt with the word "Bazinga!" on it.

Passive-Aggressive Criticism

I make it a rule never to reread my posts. When I read my previous posts I hate them. I want to assume that I have nothing to say to the world.

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"Advertising is based on one thing, happiness. And you know what happiness is? Happiness is the smell of a new car. It's freedom from fear. It's a billboard on the side of the road that screams reassurance that whatever you are doing is okay. You are okay."

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-Ryan

Headphones

I'm realizing day after day how little control I have over my experiences. I like to think that I have complete control over my life: every choice I make buried in the rational conformity of my choosing. But instead, I understand more and more how little control I possess. The places I find myself in, The people I put around me, and the activities I fill my day with are all derivatives of the choices that were made for me.

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"Keep working hard. I'll talk to you soon."

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In my program, my cohort is required to take a lot of personality quizzes. The most common trait investigated in these quizzes is how extroverted or introverted we are. My quizzes gave me a vague answers. I don't really know if I'm extroverted. I don't really know if I'm introverted. Neither do the quizzes I took.
I surround myself with people, sometimes probably a bit too much. I talk to people, I have conversations, and I go to social events. I live by myself, I like to be alone, and I enjoy silence. I like to work at coffee shops, and I work with people. I go out to bars with friends. I hate going out to bars.

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"Look at the recluse"

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How is loneliness measured? Is it crying alone at your dining room table. Is it sitting at a bar alone. Or is it laughing with your friends at a bar.

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"Do you have a lot of friends?"

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at a coffee shop.

I go to a lot of coffee shops. I'm not sure why. I think it's peaceful to surround yourself with people that are too busy to socialize with you. It's a quiet peace you find when you're around people that don't want to talk to you. It's a condolence to know that they're not noticing you. You blend into a background.

I moved in with Sam.

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"Hey man."

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I think ultimately, writing calms me down. A lot of days it feels like I keep setting my cruise control 10 miles over the speed limit. That constant dissonance irritates. I know I'm going too fast, but I can't slow down. Writing turns off my cruise control. It allows me to stop and see the world. It allows me to stop and see myself. It allows me to stop and be happy.

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"Because I'm happy. Clap along if you feel..."

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It's been 36 days since Jerad's funeral, and everything seems the same.

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"they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time"

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I wonder when Jerad is going to die a second time.

Alone

I'm going to a funeral tomorrow. I've never been to one, so I'm not really sure what to expect. Like most schemas I have, I'm sure I'll compare my experiences to what movie funerals are like.

For my Cultural Counseling class, I have to write a two page paper reflecting my experiences these past two months in class.

3 months ago, I had a meeting with one of my professors. It was the last week of class, and the professor was to have a conversation with me about where I am in the program, and how I am as a future counselor. Walking in, I was greeted with a smile, a handshake, and a direction to have a seat. As she had me read my own paper, I felt her warm presence getting warmer. She looked at me in the eyes when I spoke, reflected what I said, and insisted on driving the conversation about my emotions. It was apparent that this meeting has turned into a therapy session. The professor explained to me that I can sometimes shy away from emotions when I'm with clients, and that this is something I need to work on. After my many attempts to agree and move on, I felt her hand on my ankle, dragging me lower and lower. She was insisted on learning why I wanted to avoid emotions. After several minutes of deflecting, she took a stab in the dark.

"Ryan, Do you think you avoid emotions with clients because you avoid your own?"

"...what?"

She explained to me that I try to avoid emotional interactions, and that I avoid it with clients because I avoid my own. I run away from my experiences in the fear that I would feel something I don't want to feel.

What a load of bullshit.

I think it's entirely possible for someone to recognize emotions, feel them, and prevent themselves from getting caught up in them. And you know what? I believe doing this will make you a better counselor. Do I want to be the client that cant get sleep because their client's daughter died? No. I want to be the client that can relate to their clients with warmness and compassion, and then go home and be myself.

But I refuse to believe that you need to outwardly show emotions to feel them.

Whatever.

Friend, Jerad

It's weird to think that Jerad isn't here anymore. It's not something that I realize every day, or think about every second. It's not something that's in my face. It's like my life is a jenga tower, and a middle piece towards the bottom was taken out. I feel the same. I'm still standing. But I just know there's a piece missing, and it's never going to go back to where it was.

I woke up this morning feeling the exact same as I always do. I had to stop and lay in my bed before I reminded myself of what happened the night before. I knew my phone had texts from people. I got up and made coffee before I found myself pressing the home button of my phone to look at the texts.

If Jerad is in heaven, I wonder what he's doing. I think he's looking down at us, smiling. Probably about to play a game of ultimate in like 20 minutes, and trying to drink as much water as possible to not get dehydrated. I hope he's happy.

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"This is my roommate, Jerad."

"Hi, I'm Ryan"

"Nice to meet you"

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Friend

Jerad was never really the type to lay back and let the world pass him. Everything was an adventure to him.

He climbed mountains.

The world lost a lot of light tonight.

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"Want some help with your flick?"

"Sure."

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RIP Jerad Bickford

Winter

I think winter reminds us how little the world cares for us. It draws us on a blank piece of white paper, looks at us, grabs another piece of paper, and starts over.

I think it's incredibly basic for someone to say they care about something, even if they don't. It would be easy for me to reflect on my childhood, and recall the moments in my life that fueled my passion for therapy.  I think the hard part is to convince yourself that you don't care about something.

I had a client that was a high school student. She was a senior in high school, and my job was to help her figure out what she wanted to do for the rest of her life.
I knew when she saw me, her fears of not getting anything out of this were confirmed.
How could I help her? She doesn't know what she wants to do? No one does. No one is happy with what they want to do.
I've always thought religion existed because we're terrified of death. We don't want to think about the day that will come when we no longer exist. We push that thought away by convincing ourselves that we'll come back to life. Somehow. Besides from being the only common theme in every religion, it helps us to feel worth. Social Psychology calls it Terror Management Theory.
I think the same thing applies to our careers. We want there to be a job that we all are destined to have. Every person has a passion that will lead them to a job they will love forever.
And why would that be true? Why can we assume that every person has a job they will eventually have a passion for? Maybe we just want to believe that so that we feel some worth.

Pompous is the species that assumes every single one of it's animals has a special place on the earth.

This is the first post in my blog that will not be advertised on my facebook or twitter. I've realized I don't really feel satisfied knowing this blog is being read by others. I'm satisfied when I write in it.

-Ryan