Alone

I'm going to a funeral tomorrow. I've never been to one, so I'm not really sure what to expect. Like most schemas I have, I'm sure I'll compare my experiences to what movie funerals are like.

For my Cultural Counseling class, I have to write a two page paper reflecting my experiences these past two months in class.

3 months ago, I had a meeting with one of my professors. It was the last week of class, and the professor was to have a conversation with me about where I am in the program, and how I am as a future counselor. Walking in, I was greeted with a smile, a handshake, and a direction to have a seat. As she had me read my own paper, I felt her warm presence getting warmer. She looked at me in the eyes when I spoke, reflected what I said, and insisted on driving the conversation about my emotions. It was apparent that this meeting has turned into a therapy session. The professor explained to me that I can sometimes shy away from emotions when I'm with clients, and that this is something I need to work on. After my many attempts to agree and move on, I felt her hand on my ankle, dragging me lower and lower. She was insisted on learning why I wanted to avoid emotions. After several minutes of deflecting, she took a stab in the dark.

"Ryan, Do you think you avoid emotions with clients because you avoid your own?"

"...what?"

She explained to me that I try to avoid emotional interactions, and that I avoid it with clients because I avoid my own. I run away from my experiences in the fear that I would feel something I don't want to feel.

What a load of bullshit.

I think it's entirely possible for someone to recognize emotions, feel them, and prevent themselves from getting caught up in them. And you know what? I believe doing this will make you a better counselor. Do I want to be the client that cant get sleep because their client's daughter died? No. I want to be the client that can relate to their clients with warmness and compassion, and then go home and be myself.

But I refuse to believe that you need to outwardly show emotions to feel them.

Whatever.