I make it a rule never to reread my posts. When I read my previous posts I hate them. I want to assume that I have nothing to say to the world.
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"Advertising is based on one thing, happiness. And you know what happiness is? Happiness is the smell of a new car. It's freedom from fear. It's a billboard on the side of the road that screams reassurance that whatever you are doing is okay. You are okay."
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-Ryan
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Headphones
I'm realizing day after day how little control I have over my experiences. I like to think that I have complete control over my life: every choice I make buried in the rational conformity of my choosing. But instead, I understand more and more how little control I possess. The places I find myself in, The people I put around me, and the activities I fill my day with are all derivatives of the choices that were made for me.
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"Keep working hard. I'll talk to you soon."
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In my program, my cohort is required to take a lot of personality quizzes. The most common trait investigated in these quizzes is how extroverted or introverted we are. My quizzes gave me a vague answers. I don't really know if I'm extroverted. I don't really know if I'm introverted. Neither do the quizzes I took.
I surround myself with people, sometimes probably a bit too much. I talk to people, I have conversations, and I go to social events. I live by myself, I like to be alone, and I enjoy silence. I like to work at coffee shops, and I work with people. I go out to bars with friends. I hate going out to bars.
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"Look at the recluse"
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How is loneliness measured? Is it crying alone at your dining room table. Is it sitting at a bar alone. Or is it laughing with your friends at a bar.
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"Do you have a lot of friends?"
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"Keep working hard. I'll talk to you soon."
----------------
In my program, my cohort is required to take a lot of personality quizzes. The most common trait investigated in these quizzes is how extroverted or introverted we are. My quizzes gave me a vague answers. I don't really know if I'm extroverted. I don't really know if I'm introverted. Neither do the quizzes I took.
I surround myself with people, sometimes probably a bit too much. I talk to people, I have conversations, and I go to social events. I live by myself, I like to be alone, and I enjoy silence. I like to work at coffee shops, and I work with people. I go out to bars with friends. I hate going out to bars.
---------------
"Look at the recluse"
---------------
How is loneliness measured? Is it crying alone at your dining room table. Is it sitting at a bar alone. Or is it laughing with your friends at a bar.
---------------
"Do you have a lot of friends?"
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Tuesday, April 1, 2014
at a coffee shop.
I go to a lot of coffee shops. I'm not sure why. I think it's peaceful to surround yourself with people that are too busy to socialize with you. It's a quiet peace you find when you're around people that don't want to talk to you. It's a condolence to know that they're not noticing you. You blend into a background.
I moved in with Sam.
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"Hey man."
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I think ultimately, writing calms me down. A lot of days it feels like I keep setting my cruise control 10 miles over the speed limit. That constant dissonance irritates. I know I'm going too fast, but I can't slow down. Writing turns off my cruise control. It allows me to stop and see the world. It allows me to stop and see myself. It allows me to stop and be happy.
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"Because I'm happy. Clap along if you feel..."
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It's been 36 days since Jerad's funeral, and everything seems the same.
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"they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time"
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I wonder when Jerad is going to die a second time.
I moved in with Sam.
----------------
"Hey man."
----------------
I think ultimately, writing calms me down. A lot of days it feels like I keep setting my cruise control 10 miles over the speed limit. That constant dissonance irritates. I know I'm going too fast, but I can't slow down. Writing turns off my cruise control. It allows me to stop and see the world. It allows me to stop and see myself. It allows me to stop and be happy.
----------------
"Because I'm happy. Clap along if you feel..."
---------------
It's been 36 days since Jerad's funeral, and everything seems the same.
----------------
"they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time"
-------------------
I wonder when Jerad is going to die a second time.
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