Why Are You Here?

I had to wipe off a lot of dust when writing this post. It's obvious to me now that my blog updates are scarce. I actually enjoy writing it, I just hate the idea of showing it to others. Every time I put my blog post on Facebook and Twitter, I feel like I'm asking for attention. I hate the idea of craving attention. It's on a very short list of qualities I do not enjoy in a person. That's probably why I'm so hesitant to come off that way.

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"Yeah, everything is great now."

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It seems like lately that appearing artistic requires the necessary trait of wanting attention from others. The greatest writer in the world wouldn't really be the greatest writer in the world if he burned every page he wrote.

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"I think it's because I'm such an artistic person"

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I don't necessarily think you need to crave attention to be artistic.

But artists have to at least convince themselves that they're artistic if they want to be artists.

It's a compliment to me that you're reading this. You've apparently realized you're somewhat interested in my life if you're reading this. Thanking you for that is a minimal sign of gratitude.

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"What are your stories about, Ryan?"

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I think psychology is all about putting people in groups. I also think that's why a lot of people don't care for it.

People don't like to be put in groups. Who would? Someone else telling you who they think you are: squishing you into a box, telling you that you'll fit.

I don't think anyone has a complete grasp on their life. Everyone has that little part of themselves that they don't understand. That part you think about when you're lying on your back in bed. Or that part you think about when you're sitting on a bus looking out the window.

Maybe artists just translate that part of them into something.

I think the most important thing we can do in the world is to be content.

Thank you for reading.

Imagination

Sometimes when I can't sleep, I pretend like a giant snake slithers into my room, and that I have to lay perfectly still or else it'll see me and eat me, or something. I always lay perfectly still and imagine it look around my room, fork its tongue a little bit, then leaves my room.

There's this Calvin and Hobbes strip where Calvin and Hobbes dig looking for dinosaur fossils. They dig and find trash, that they think are dinosaur bones. They glue them together, and imagine what the dinosaur looked like. I remember specifically a soda bottle was the head. The bottle made a whistling sound, which they thought was the dinosaur's noise it used to make. Calvin showed the dinosaur bones to his mom, but she took it for what it was: glued trash.

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"I feel like a prisoner in my own house. I've lost myself."

"Have you heard back yet from grad school?"

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So I was walking with a 5 year old client, and we passed a cemetery. He wanted to stop and look at it. We both stopped and looked at the tombstones for a little while. I assumed he was having some deep, introspective moment about death, and how important life is.

"What place is this?"

"It's a cemetery."

"What's it for?"

"It's where you go when you die. You're buried underground".

"And then you become a zombie?"

"......yup. You become a zombie."

It's amazing how we perpetually escape the real world, and spend time in our imagination. We fill in blanks, create endings, and imagine beginnings by playing God in our own minds. I think we do it because the world can be dull, and we enjoy changing things up. I like to think that we never lose our imagination, but I have a feeling we tend to dismiss it as we grow older. The ridiculous just starts to seem... ridiculous.

I don't think you become mature when you use your imagination less. I think you become mature when you can distinguish your imagination from what's real, and utilize your imagination as a gift from nature to make your life as exciting as you want it to be.

Perspective

I have this kid that's in kindergarten that I sit with during his school lunch. Every day he gets the same thing: PB&J, chocolate milk, and string cheese. He can never open his milk, so I always have to open it for him. When he eats his PB&J, he does it the exact same way every time. I would like to explain to you right now how he eats it.

First of all, he gets the frozen kind from Smuckers. You know, the kind that's circular. He always nibbles off the crust all the way around. He'll nibble a little bit off, hold it in his mouth, then gulp down some chocolate milk, swallowing the crust like a pill. I'm assuming he's attempting to avoid having to eat the crust. Finally, after the crust is gone, he has successfully tipped the bread to filling scale to incredibly favor the filling side. He stops for a second, looks at the sandwich, and prepares himself for the next few minutes of what he knows is going to be filled with nothing but peanut butter and jelly all over his mouth.

Then he destroys it.

Every time.

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"Have we really grown up that much?"

"Yup"

"I never realized."


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A lot of my older kids are obsessed with video games. They play them all the time. They always tell me how good they are, and how they could "totally beat me at so and so game!" I had a kid the other day state that not only is he the best at every video game ever, but that I "probably suck at video games because you look like you're uncoordinated with your hands."

Oh yeah, punk? drop in a disc of super smash bros, pick up a controller, and we're see who's left standing with their head held high, and who's left weeping the tears of their own self-doubting anxiety.

but no. Instead, I say,

"haha you're right. I'm probably not as good at video games as you! I bet you're awesome at them!"

I don't really play many video games anymore. I'm starting to find them kind of boring. For kids, video games are an escape. You leave the real world and pretend to be in another because this pretend world doesn't have the problems you have to deal with. Some kids, more than others, need to escape every now and then. Some kids would probably do everything in their power to avoid what they have to deal with in the real world. Who would take that away from them?

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"Hey Ryan, can you buy me a sandwich?"

"I don't have any money, sorry."

"Oh okay. I just wanted to eat something today."

I should probably go out more.

So a friend of mine gave me these herb plants that you grow in these pots. You're supposed to just let them grow, then harvest the herbs to eat. I set them up and placed them in front of my TV so that I wont forget to water them.

The weird part is that the soil is just a brown sponge that you wet and place in the pot. So instead of a garden, it just looks like I have three pots of brownies in front of my TV.

That was a pretty boring story.

I think people say that their story was boring after telling it so that they don't look boring. It's funny how you can admit to something being a certain way, in order to avoid appearing to be that way. As soon as you admit a story was boring, you inform the listener that you are capable of distinguishing a boring story from an interesting one, thus proving that you are in fact NOT boring.

At the same time, if someone says "that was a pretty incredible story I just told" after finishing a story, they would still appear interesting because that would be a weird thing to say. So really, you could say anything about a story after telling it, and still appear interesting.

The only thing you can do to look boring is if you say NOTHING after a boring story. If you tell a boring story, stand there for a second, then walk away, you'd be a pretty boring person.

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"What are YOU going to do this weekend, Ryan?"

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I wonder if anyone has ever picked the chocolate flavored teeth polish at the dentist more than once.

I'm oftentimes accused of living a boring life in Wichita. I'm pretty honest about my weekends when people ask. I usually stay at home and play video games and watch TV. Maybe people see my honesty as a subtle message that I want to get out more. Maybe people think it's sad to not hang out with people. Maybe I'm a boring person for not going out more.

There's someone I work with that was a soldier in Iraq. It's interesting to hear his stories about his experiences. For some reason I always picture it in WWII style.

I read a story about a guy in India that murdered his sister for sleeping outside of her marriage.

I watched a video of someone breaking a world record for playing Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker in only 5 hours. He was wearing nail polish while he did it for some reason.

I think how interesting a person's life is can be relative.

That was a pretty boring blog post.